Written by: Kristýna Vondrová
Up to two thirds of women are ashamed of the appearance of their vulva. Even gentlemen are not satisfied with endless jokes about the size of the penis. Insecurity about the appearance of the genitals crushes most of us, regardless of gender. How to better cope with the imperfections in your lap?
Size, below average or above standard. Asymmetry. Weird color. Peculiar smell. Hair. Smegma. Veins. These are the most common (unspoken) insecurities about the appearance of our own genitalia that we suffer from. We would like to throw in the body shaming behind their heads and celebrate their bodily uniqueness, but stereotypical porn has shaped our ideas of perfect pink vulvas and exhibitionist penises for too long to do it on command. And so we insist on showering before sex, we flinch before oral sex or we like to dim the light of the lamp.
You are certainly not alone
Each of us deals with the appearance of our private parts. And almost no one is unreservedly satisfied - similar to the evaluation of one's own face or stomach. But in the case of the genitals, imperfections in us also arouse shame. In more serious cases, it progresses to anxiety, vaginal dryness or a drop in libido.
How can you feel more at ease about the appearance of your genitals and relax in bed?
- Try to live with your “deviation from the ideal”. Look at it (in masturbation even randomly). Feel free to give her a (cute or at least neutral) nickname. Take a picture of her. Just don't unnecessarily taboo its existence.
- Look at yourself through the eyes of a sexual partner during a passionate moment. He does not find fault with you. He is not controlled by reason, but by horniness and the desire for orgasm. And he sees this in you too. If he registers your lack, he probably finds it unique, cute and tomatoey.
- Openly name your insecurity in the relationship. Sharing itself has a strong therapeutic effect and contributes to building an intimate atmosphere. Perhaps naming your concerns will be an impulse for the other half to confide in you about their troubles.
How to react when your partner confides in you with insecurities?
If your partner confides in you with his insecurities, do not immediately comfort him/her by saying that in your eyes they are absolutely flawless. He will not feel connected, he will get the impression that you are not really listening to him. He confides in you in a strong emotion, and your rational argument will not fall on fertile ground. Rather, offer a hug and experience the feeling together. “Ah, really? I never thought that you perceive yourself so critically. Come to me.” Then only add your point of view.
Do you still squint nervously when you remember your (supposed) shortcoming and think that you are definitely not planning to start a conversation with him during a pleasant dinner? In order to support you in communication without inhibitions, we bring you two confessions from our fans. We hope they give you the insight you need (you're not alone!) and courage.
He: if it isn’t a health issue, I don’t let it worry me
I used to deal with penis size like every other guy. He seemed small to me, at least at rest. In the erected state, however, it reached normal Czech dimensions, if I believe the numbers from the surveys. Over time, my attention shifted to the scrotum and the real problem – the varicocele.
A varicocele is basically a herniated varicose vein in the testicle ("a plexus of veins", if you can imagine what that means). As a result, my left testicle hangs visibly more than the other. In addition to the visual aspect, this anomaly also has an unpleasant health impact. Dilation of the veins means more blood in the scrotum and (unwanted) higher temperature of the testicles. This is manifested by a decrease in the number of sperm and their quality. That is why even the sight of infertility threatens me.
Cause? Genetics and poor quality of the vein wall. That's right - I've had traditional hamstring surgery before I was 30. A varicocele can also be solved surgically, but according to the results of the spermiogram, it is "just" a cosmetic defect, so I haven't gone under the knife yet.
None of my sexual partners has ever commented on this in her life. I do it I open the topic only in long-term relationships, just in the context of reproduction. Instead of appearance, I focus on objective health and fertility, but I definitely don't like to run anywhere naked.
She: measure twice, sew once
I see the vulva and vagina as essential organs, the basis of my female identity. That's why I already had wind from birth injuries during pregnancy. In the end, I only had minor injuries in my vagina and a partially torn right labia minora. It broke away from the clitoris and "floated" on one side.
The part that did not reach the clitoris was very sensitive. It usually hurt even in panties, because the place suddenly rubbed against clothes. And it just didn't look good either. I discussed it with my gynaecologist, who suggested that it could be solved plastically. That he would remove the sensitive floating part of the labia minora, because sewing it back to the clitoris would be risky, because everything could be even more painful later and only the visual side would be solved.
There was a mistake during the operation that I still don't understand. Instead of plastic surgery on the labia minora, the doctor stitched me up in another area of the vulva, closer to the vaginal entrance. Such an adjustment was not planned, necessary, and really did not affect the result much. As if nothing happened. I just lost faith in my doctor. He offered me another operation under anesthesia, which I refused, however, with a small, still breastfed child.
After a few months, the soreness of the lip subsided and I came to terms with the visual side as well. Now I accept it as part of my new self, I don't find it ugly, it's just a small anomaly on my body. It doesn't affect my self-confidence because it doesn't restrict me during sex. On the contrary, my experience of intimate life generally improved a lot after two births, so this is really just a minor cosmetic defect. But it took me many months to accept my vulva 2.0.